title: "It Feels Kinda Like ..." summary: "In this one, I discuss some fairly common uncomfortable experiences and how they relate to a different uncomfortable experience." date: "2018-02-11" description: "A brief exploration of being queer as compared to several common uncomfortable experiences. It's noted that this may not be universal, and reflects only the author's experiences." tags:

• "queer"
• "pride"
• "sapphic"
• "fb-rants"
• "compilation"
• "transgender"
• "analogy"
• "discomfort"

• "dysphoria" words: 581 img: "/images/PrideLogo.png"

Like Using Your Off-Hand

So as not to give away the game, I'll not explicitly spell out what this one is about, but it starts with a conversation of discomfort, and it leads where that naturally takes us for the subject matter.

If you are not ambidextrous, then you have likely had the experience of trying to use your off hand to do something. Everything feels backward and wrong, and you can't get anything to work out exactly how you want. If it was due to injury, you might have thought, "I just have to get used to this until [my dominant hand] gets better." The feeling becomes normal, and you just deal until the time comes that you can get back to normal. And suddenly, the world is correct again. A little unfamiliar, but definitely better than before.

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So maybe you have never had that experience. Maybe you have never been forced to use your off hand for any length of time, let alone an extended one. Or maybe you are ambidextrous and don't have the same view of dominant and non-dominant hands. This is fine.

In that case, think about this. At some point in your life, you have likely worn shoes of the wrong size. Too big, and your foot jostles around inside, rubbing your foot raw. Too small, and everything feels crunched together. And you just can't wait until that moment when they finally come off. The relief you experience is definite and clear, even if it still takes time to adjust. Maybe you are left with blisters. Maybe you get cramps. If you continue for too long with those shoes, the damage can be permanent.

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So you are fortunate enough that you have never had to use your off hand or wear shoes of the wrong size. Good for you. You are officially in the minority of people in the developed world. I don't know if I can reach you, and I likely never will.

For the rest of you, pay attention.

I spent most of the first part of my life "batting with my off hand" in a way I could never adequately explain to those around me. Even once I started trying to talk about it, people would often insist that I was wrong. They would tell me to keep "wearing ill-fitting shoes", even after I told them I was tripping over my feet at every turn.

Two years ago this month, I started hormone replacement therapy, and very quickly, I experienced those familiar sensations of "what a relief" and "oh god, that is what was wrong" that I have felt when returning to the dominant hand or removing ill-fitting shoes. Within months, the changes to my hormone levels were starting to settle some of the worst feelings in my life.

As my doses have been adjusted in the time since then, I have gotten more and more comfortable with life. The "new shoes" fit, and the "dominant hand" is the obviously correct thing. I am transgender. If I actually needed proper confirmation of this, the impact of the hormones has definitely provided it. And I know my experience is my own, but I am likely not the only person experiencing her gender this way.

If one of your loved ones comes out to you, think about those times in your life when you have been forced to use the wrong hand or wear ill-fitting shoes. Then go help them find ones that fit.